I like to play, but if it goes to far, I get scared and then I get angry. And I'm done.
I like to touch, but if it goes to far, I get scared and then I get angry. And I'm done.
I like to love, but if it goes to far, I get scared and then I get angry. And I'm done.
I like to fight, but if it goes to far, I get scared and then I get angry. And I'm done.
When you're angry, you're done.
I have no where to go from here. How do I respond? I'm not done.
I don't want to be scared.
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to be done.
I want to play, touch, love, fight, and laugh and love and never be done.
But I'm scared.
And you're done.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
step-parenting
I listen to Dr. Laura. I enjoy doing so. I particularly respect her no-holds-barred honesty. She, unlike most of us, has no problem acknowledging that she thinks her opinion is the correct one. Her show is based on her opinion, and if someone calls in to the show he or she is not going to change her mind. They are going to get her opinion. I've collected some fantastic rules for life listening to her: it is more important to protect a child than the good opinion of someone who is abusing a child. Shared custody leaves children homeless: there is mom's house and dad's house, no "my" house. If you have minor kids and you picked the wrong sperm/egg donor and are now single, don't date--the focus is the kids, because that is the choice that was made.
Just rambling on, sorry.
The point is that I love listening to her show... yet I have made some significant choices that she would have advised me against. First, I married a man that I knew less than six months (Dr. Laura would say to wait a year and a half, to make sure that you know the person). Second, I married a man with children, one that is still a minor and that he has full physical custody of (Dr. Laura would say that this is playing with fire since the kids will always come before a spouse in this situation.
Here's where I justify my actions.
When you meet someone who is more than you could hope for in a mate, you don't let that person get away, no matter the circumstances. We have our issues--I am a moody and complicated person, I am going to have issues with anyone I am with intimately. My DH is a great father and husband and an incredibly generous human being. He isn't perfect, which is the only reason I can put up with him.
Begin as you mean to go on.
I told him this when we first started dating. He took it to heart. I wanted to do as much pre-marital counseling as possible and he was unsure that it was necessary, but went along. He realized how necessary it was during the process. We began our marriage in an open and communicative way, and it has stayed that way, with consistent work. We formed habits in our dating that have held true for the 3 months that we've been married, because we work on them. We work on ourselves and our marriage and if we go on as we began we should have a very, very good life together.
So, step-parenting.
I had a collection of horror stories, not the least of which my own as a step-child. I think being a successful step-parent depends fully--FULLY--on the actual parent. My DH understands the wonderful paradox that kids can only be raised properly if his wife comes before his kids. This assumes, of course, that I place a high priority on the care and feeding of said child or children. I'm homeschooling a twelve-year-old that I've known for less than a year... I'd say he's a high priority.
I'm realizing that with my son's social issues and massive dependence on his dad and me (his mom just up and decided to move several states away 'bout two years ago, not to mention an upbringing that included very little interaction with people outside of school) came his compliance. I have been working very hard on getting the boy to do for himself--his dad cuts his meat for him at nearly 13!--and he is starting to become a little bit more independent. So, I am starting to realize that his dependence was in direct proportion to his compliance. He is becoming fit to take in public (watching him eat was nauseating) but now he argues about it.
I should back up.
Before his mother left, my son had never been to the snow (lived an hour away from the mountains), never been to the zoo, never been to an amusement park, a waterslide... His dad had taken him hunting, and I guess they went camping. I haven't asked. She made him dinner (chicken nuggets, reheated, or hamburger) separate from everyone else. The boy ate, and still does occasionally, with two hands, touching as much of the food as possible, tearing it into small pieces (regardless of what it is) and shoved it in his mouth with at least two fingers going into his mouth as far as the second knuckle, keeping it in his cheek like a chipmunk until his mouth was so full he'd have to spit it on the plate because he couldn't swallow. My DH found this amusing. BOYS!
So, just under three months in: he cleans his own bathroom (never done it before), he vacuums and polishes the furniture (never done it before) once a week, takes out the garbage (without being asked, usually), eats with his mouth closed (mostly) and uses utensils. I guess a little back talking isn't too bad.
Part of my problem with him is that I was such an independent child, and I did not create his dependency so I have very little tolerance for his need for constant affirmation. We're learning, though.
Just rambling on, sorry.
The point is that I love listening to her show... yet I have made some significant choices that she would have advised me against. First, I married a man that I knew less than six months (Dr. Laura would say to wait a year and a half, to make sure that you know the person). Second, I married a man with children, one that is still a minor and that he has full physical custody of (Dr. Laura would say that this is playing with fire since the kids will always come before a spouse in this situation.
Here's where I justify my actions.
When you meet someone who is more than you could hope for in a mate, you don't let that person get away, no matter the circumstances. We have our issues--I am a moody and complicated person, I am going to have issues with anyone I am with intimately. My DH is a great father and husband and an incredibly generous human being. He isn't perfect, which is the only reason I can put up with him.
Begin as you mean to go on.
I told him this when we first started dating. He took it to heart. I wanted to do as much pre-marital counseling as possible and he was unsure that it was necessary, but went along. He realized how necessary it was during the process. We began our marriage in an open and communicative way, and it has stayed that way, with consistent work. We formed habits in our dating that have held true for the 3 months that we've been married, because we work on them. We work on ourselves and our marriage and if we go on as we began we should have a very, very good life together.
So, step-parenting.
I had a collection of horror stories, not the least of which my own as a step-child. I think being a successful step-parent depends fully--FULLY--on the actual parent. My DH understands the wonderful paradox that kids can only be raised properly if his wife comes before his kids. This assumes, of course, that I place a high priority on the care and feeding of said child or children. I'm homeschooling a twelve-year-old that I've known for less than a year... I'd say he's a high priority.
I'm realizing that with my son's social issues and massive dependence on his dad and me (his mom just up and decided to move several states away 'bout two years ago, not to mention an upbringing that included very little interaction with people outside of school) came his compliance. I have been working very hard on getting the boy to do for himself--his dad cuts his meat for him at nearly 13!--and he is starting to become a little bit more independent. So, I am starting to realize that his dependence was in direct proportion to his compliance. He is becoming fit to take in public (watching him eat was nauseating) but now he argues about it.
I should back up.
Before his mother left, my son had never been to the snow (lived an hour away from the mountains), never been to the zoo, never been to an amusement park, a waterslide... His dad had taken him hunting, and I guess they went camping. I haven't asked. She made him dinner (chicken nuggets, reheated, or hamburger) separate from everyone else. The boy ate, and still does occasionally, with two hands, touching as much of the food as possible, tearing it into small pieces (regardless of what it is) and shoved it in his mouth with at least two fingers going into his mouth as far as the second knuckle, keeping it in his cheek like a chipmunk until his mouth was so full he'd have to spit it on the plate because he couldn't swallow. My DH found this amusing. BOYS!
So, just under three months in: he cleans his own bathroom (never done it before), he vacuums and polishes the furniture (never done it before) once a week, takes out the garbage (without being asked, usually), eats with his mouth closed (mostly) and uses utensils. I guess a little back talking isn't too bad.
Part of my problem with him is that I was such an independent child, and I did not create his dependency so I have very little tolerance for his need for constant affirmation. We're learning, though.
I've never...
...been consistent in keeping a journal, being online doesn't change anything--except that now other people can read it and see just how inconsistent I am. What, really is the point of taking one's private thoughts and publishing them for the world to read? I mean, wasn't that the origin of blogs? "Online journaling." A chance to be clever and throw out my $.02 worth?
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